BEWARE “YES”—MASTER “NO”
This chapter challenges the conventional view that "Yes" is always good and "No" is always bad in negotiations. It argues that "No" can be a powerful tool for clarifying positions, creating a safe environment, and ultimately leading to more successful agreements. The chapter provides strategies for embracing "No" and understanding its underlying meanings to improve negotiation outcomes.
Key Stories & Examples
Amy Bonderow and the FBI Crisis Negotiation Team
The author recounts his initial attempt to join the FBI's Crisis Negotiation Team, where Amy Bonderow repeatedly turned him down due to his lack of experience. However, her "No's" led him to volunteer at a suicide hotline, which ultimately provided him with valuable experience and paved the way for his acceptance into the team.
"No" can be a gateway to "Yes" by providing time to pivot, adjust, and reexamine. Rejection can lead to valuable experiences and opportunities.
Daryl the Cabbie and the HelpLine Experience
The author describes a call with a frequent caller named Daryl at the crisis hotline. Initially, the author felt successful in "CareFronting" Daryl, but his supervisor pointed out that Daryl's effusive praise was a sign that the author had taken too much control of the conversation and hadn't empowered Daryl to find his own solutions.
It's crucial to guide your counterpart to discover their goals as their own, rather than simply imposing your solutions on them. A superficial "Yes" can be a sign that the other person doesn't truly own the agreement.
Marti Evelsizer Stands Her Ground
The author describes how Marti Evelsizer, an FBI Crisis Negotiation Coordinator, used a "No"-oriented question to defuse a situation where her jealous supervisor was trying to remove her from her position. By asking "Do you want the FBI to be embarrassed?", Marti put her supervisor in a position where he had to consider the negative consequences of his actions and ultimately allowed her to keep her job.
By pushing for a 'No', you can nudge your counterpart into a zone where they are making the decisions, furthering feelings of safety and power.
The Fundraiser Script
The author describes how an improvement was seen when using a 'No'-oriented script to raise money for Republican congressional candidates. It gave the speaker a feeling of safety, security and control.
Used strategically 'No' is an answer that opens the path forward. Don't be horrified by the word 'No'. It is a reaffirmation of autonomy.