DON’T FEEL THEIR PAIN, LABEL IT
Chapter 3, "Don't Feel Their Pain, Label It," focuses on the negotiation technique of labeling emotions to build trust and influence. It emphasizes tactical empathy, which involves understanding and verbalizing the other party's feelings to diffuse negativity and reinforce positive sentiments. The chapter explains how to identify emotions through 'words, music, and dance' (verbal, tone, and body language cues), and how labeling involves specific phrases like 'It seems like...' followed by silence. The chapter concludes with the idea of an accusation audit, or listing out every negative thing someone could say about you to disarm your counterpart.
Key Stories & Examples
Harlem Fugitives
The author recounts a situation where he negotiated with armed fugitives in Harlem by using tactical empathy and labeling. He verbalized their fears of getting shot or going back to jail, which eventually led them to surrender.
Labeling the other party's emotions, especially their fears, can de-escalate tense situations and build trust, leading to a more favorable outcome.
Canadian FBI Official
The author shares an anecdote about angering a top FBI official in Canada by failing to follow proper protocol. To resolve the situation, he apologized and directly acknowledged the official's potential anger and feelings of disrespect, which diffused the tension and allowed him to obtain the necessary clearance.
Addressing negative dynamics head-on by acknowledging the other person's anger or frustration can quickly establish a working relationship and resolve conflicts.
Crabby Grandfather
The author illustrates the use of neutralizing the negative and reinforcing the positive by labeling the underlying feelings in a situation with a cranky grandfather.
Addressing the root causes and the underlying feelings of a person's attitude, while offering solutions can turn the situation around.
Washington Redskins Ticket Sales
A student in the author's class, TJ, rewrote a script to connect with season ticket holders who hadn't paid their bills. By using empathetic language that acknowledged their difficult economic circumstances and emphasized their importance to the team, he was able to set up payment plans with all of them.
Framing communications with empathy and understanding of the other party's situation can significantly improve results, even without offering financial incentives.
Girl Scout Fundraiser
A student found a potential donor was difficult to please until the student labeled the feelings to uncover her underlying motivation.
Digging deep to uncover the primary emotion and labels can transform the state of the conversation.
Sixty Seconds or She Dies
The author describes the first day of class with an exercise in hostage taking.
Labeling your audience's fears will help diffuse them and let it sink in.